Grandmother

This word was always so mysterious, so unfamiliar. I do have a grandmother? Tell me what one is then.

In my own point of view, ain't grandmothers suppose to be lovable, doting on her grandchild? Ain't one suppose to be like your second mother? Ain't one suppose to be always there for you when your parents arent around?

I guess I've been all along wrong.

Let me tell you mine then.

My grandmother scolds every day.
My grandmother find problems constantly.
My grandmother ask if I was playing outside everytime I'm back from school after remedial class at 5.
My grandmother ask if I was never coming home if mom wasn't going to pick me up.
My grandmother asked me to not acknowledge her.
My grandmother never ask if I'm ok when I'm injured myself.
My grandmother never once cooked for me.
And last of all. I believe she hates me.

I know how disrespectful I am. How I throw tantrums like a spoilt brat. I know I show every single displeasure I have through my actions.

Just sometimes maybe grandma, have you questioned yourself? Have you think you did something wrongly?

As much as I wish I could communicate with you, as much as I wished I could be the best granddaughter you had, there are too many things stopping this.

I've always dream one day maybe I could just hold your hands, and bring you to have a walk in the park, or maybe just whip a dish for you. I've always wanted to give you a hug and tell you how happy I am to have healthy grandma.

But this problem is happening too frequently, sometimes I question myself.
" am I really your granddaughter? "
My answer would be no.

I envy everyone with loving grandma, i want it too. That's just the simplest thing I wished I had.

I dont want to come home everyday, facing all these drama. I'm tired. Yes I am. Every anger in me never last because they all end up in tears.

You think I'm feeling all great and mighty about this?
You think I like to act this way?
I have my own limit too.

Although I'm slowly getting used to these life drama I must face, that little part of my still hope for a change.

Enough for now. You are never going to get to read this, but since you are my grandmother, nothing is going to change. It's a lifetime.

Deep down, I'm sorry.